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GAIN AND LOSSThe first time was better, and, at the same time, more unexpected than any of his thousands -- no, millions -- of erotic fantasies could have prepared him for. The sex act: making love, screwing, fucking, playing, whatever you wanted to call it, had filled up his mind and most of his empty time since his body began to function in a sexual way, since puberty had gotten its hooks into him, so to speak.The fantasies came and went, changing and shifting with every woman Jim passed on the street or imagined in his fertile mind -- the same basic functions, gleaned from talks with friends, movies and TV, books and magazines and just about everything except personal experience -- came without being asked, played inside his mind, then moved to another one, an almost endless series of perfect love acts. Sure, he knew that was part of it, but it was his own personal fantasy stage, after all, so one hot, perfect partner after another was the co-star, and he, stud extraordinaire, was always the master of the situation: a combination of every great lover from fiction, history and perhaps even, he once thought with stupid amusement, the dark well of humanity's collective unconscious. So the act, when it finally happened just before his 19th birthday, was not at all what he expected -- not the physical details, of course -- he knew what those were going to be, but the emotions that went with it. How he met Jill and how he had somehow convinced her to take him to bed were not important -- something to ponder later, after some time and space had separated an act that was perhaps already becoming mythologized in his mind and imagination. This he knew even as they slipped into her apartment and took off their coats. It didn't take long for their clothing to follow, to fall the floor, unneeded for now. Standing there in her tiny, dim apartment, he quivered with the pent up lust that his revving hormones signalled to him. Combined with the muffled, occasional sounds from the other apartments that surrounded them on both sides and above, and finally, the sounds and sights of her nudity and his, he knew that this was really, truly it: the moment he had dreamed of for so long. Right now. The soft, tickly touch of her soft flesh as she pulled him to her, and the sounds of the traffic droning outside the thin walls of this space, all of it made their temporary partnership more erotic than he could have imagined just an hour before this moment. When her mouth moved up to his and his first really erotic kiss began, any lingering doubts about the wrongness of how this came to be, something that had nagged at him on and off since he had seduced her -- no, it had been the other way around; he had been seduced by her -- faded fast and died unlamented. "So this is what its like," was the dumb thought that went through the few cells of his brain that were still analytical. Her tongue entered between his lips, and suddenly another thought passed into his mind and stuck there: "I don't know what I'm doing, and she knows it, and she prefers it this way." Maybe it should have took some of the joy and excitement out of this, but it made it all the more thrilling, he knew as she penetrated him fast and hot, literally, like the stories said, tongue-fucking his mouth. Her hands, gently before, weren't gentle at all now, but insistent and unapologetic, pushing him to the small bed. His ass hit the mattress hard, and then her bare flesh, hot against his, made all this senses ripple. His cock felt so full, fuller and harder than he could ever remember. She whispered for him to not be afraid, that she would teach him how to love, to relax and enjoy this. Her hands, small and strong, guided him in this first, fascinatingly new lovemaking experience. Her tongue entered his mouth again, and now he relaxed more and began to enjoy the sensation of her unique taste on his own overcharged taste buds. She was, he couldn't fool himself, not particularly pretty, but in this room, right now, she was a sex goddess. Jim moaned then -- she had his cock in her hands, and she was kneeling over his prone body. She asked him huskily if he was having fun, but it was her she was worried about, he realized. He realized that she was masturbating herself while she did him. And that was okay. Her fingers pulled and stroked him, a hand job far different then he could have given himself, and he could hear himself saying to stop or he would come right now. She smiled at him in the dark and nodded, releasing him. Then it happened -- she took him in her mouth and the wet, liquid warmth enveloped his throbbing dick, pulling him into her with quick, smooth downward movements. In and out his cock went, and he marveled, as he watched on his elbows, that he was really, finally inside a woman's body -- in her mouth, too, the most exciting of all the fantasies he had in his considerable repertoire. Before he could think any further, the orgasm took him, and his semen came out and into the woman's mouth. He went soft quickly. Excitement was replaced with embarrassment. Without him, his lover pleasured herself in a way -- and with an economy -- that he marveled at, and took the burden of finishing the act of their lovemaking. Embarrassment then changed to shame, but she smiled and told him it was okay, even as she pushed his hands away and finished giving herself her orgasm. She kissed him after that, a kiss that was salty with sweat and flesh and the pungent, not unpleasant flavor of his come and her saliva, and then she quickly fell asleep. For him, sleep was out of the question, even with the sounds of her even breathing beside him. He knew that this was something he would never forget. The bitter sweetness of losing his now dead virginity was strong in his mind, and that surprised him. The shadows and lights that came through the blinds and bathed the bed with glowing, ghostly bars of silver light and inky dark bars summed up his mood better than any words could. He couldn't leave until morning. And it would be a long time coming, he was sure. © Dane M. Donato, 2000. Photograph © Tim Phillips, 1999. |
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